Category Archive: Stuff I Learned the Hard Way

Jan 30

Stuff I Learned the Hard Way—I’m a Wimp

WHAT’S PLAYING: Salt-n-Pepa feat. En Vogue “Whatta Man”

The other day, I learned the hard way that—despite the black belts I’ve earned and the tough-girl image I try so hard to project to the world—when it comes to the creepy and downright bizarre, all my kick-assery flies out the window leaving nothing but a 6’2” crybaby.

This epiphany occurred while I was watching Cowboys and Aliens with some friends. I was fine until the alien’s body opened up to unleash a second set of hidden, gooey, three-fingered hands. My friends laughed.

Me? I went apeshit.

I scrambled as far away from the television as I could, squeezed my eyes shut, and alternated between grabbing at my friends and slapping their hands away, all the while shrieking, “No! No! No!”

Not my finest moment.

My friends weathered the storm as best they could—letting me know when the “scary” part was over, and then scattering to the far ends of the room whenever the gooey alien hands showed up.

Now, besides, yet another irrational fear to add to my long, long lists of phobias, I’ve decided to add another weapon to my arsenal.

I just have to figure out what to say to the bank when “chainsaw-katana” shows up on my credit card bill.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.jacquitalbot.com/2013/01/stuff-i-learned-the-hard-way-im-a-wimp-2/

Sep 05

Stuff I Learned the Hard Way – It Helps if You’re a Little Crazy

WHAT’S PLAYING: Kings of LeonSex on Fire” (Is it me, or does this song sound like the world’s scariest STD?)

 

A month ago, I learned that I was sick. Not “break out the black clothes and white lilies” sick. More “your life is going to suck for a while, but you’ll get through it” sick. I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it, so I nodded, put on my big girl panties, and moved forward.

Many of my friends commented on my positive and upbeat attitude. I tell them the secret is simple:

It helps if you’re a little crazy.

 

 

In my head, I’m invincible. No disease or injury can do me serious harm. They can only slow me down for a little while. Part of me suspects that if I lost a limb, it would grow back in a couple of weeks. No, I’m not going to try it. I’m crazy, not stupid.

Being just a wee bit out of touch with reality keeps me moving forward. All those travel plans I had to cancel – including my trip to England and, most recently, a writer’s conference in Ohio that I very much wanted to attend – in my mind, they have simply been deferred.

I will admit to being a little scared, but mostly I’m just pissed off. I don’t smoke, do drugs, or engage in unprotected sex. In fact, aside from the occasional cocktail and bone deep laziness, I’m usually very healthy. I didn’t do anything wrong, and yet I feel like my body has betrayed me.

 

 

Still, I love my life and no disease is going to stop me from living it.

To my friends and family who have been so supportive, I love you all.

Don’t count me out just yet.

 

Enhanced by Zemanta

Permanent link to this article: http://www.jacquitalbot.com/2012/09/stuff-i-learned-the-hard-way-it-helps-if-youre-a-little-crazy/

Aug 08

Stuff I Learned the Hard Way – My Flirting Could Use Some Work

WHAT’S PLAYING: Mike Posner featuring Lil’ WayneBow Chicka Wow Wow

Last week, a friend of mine insisted I go bar-hopping with her. It didn’t take much effort since I’m always up for a cocktail.

 

 

When I was busy guzzling my third margarita, two very attractive men approached us and started chatting. Things were going fairly well, until we got on the subject of happy places.

I said my favorite place to be was in bed. One of the guys asked if I took anything to bed with me.

My answer? “A teddy bear and a switch blade.”

 

I don’t think he’s going to call.

Enhanced by Zemanta

Permanent link to this article: http://www.jacquitalbot.com/2012/08/stuff-i-learned-the-hard-way-my-flirting-could-use-some-work/

Older posts «