«

»

Aug 05

I Want My Mother

WHAT’S PLAYING: Alicia Keys “Doesn’t Mean Anything”

 

A couple of months ago, my mom died. She passed away the day before Mother’s Day and two days after my birthday. I’m not sure what I feel at this point. Shock? Yes. Grief? Sure. Along with a heaping measure of guilt for not being a better daughter.

 

And then there’s this weird mix of exasperated amusement. My mom was what most people would call “a character.” She was blind, deaf, old fashioned, and at times, a huge pain in the ass. She was the kind of person who would pick the day before Mother’s Day to shuffle off this mortal coil, if only to get back at me for forgetting her birthday for the last twenty years.

Some days, she drove me crazy. I’m talking claw-your-eyes-out-hair-on-fire-bat shit-crazy.

Other days, she was kind, loving, and fiercely protective. She handled life’s disappointments with humor, grace, and a kind of get-‘er-done-and-fuck-the-rest attitude that I’ve tried so hard to emulate in my own life. Most importantly, she was mine. My mother. And I would give everything I have in this life and the next, to have her back for just one more day.

 

 

Grief hits me at unexpected times, like when I’m driving or in the shower. One minute, I’m fine. The next, the pain is so great that it’s all I can do to keep breathing.

I don’t have the best track record when it comes to dealing with grief. When my twin brother died, I handled it by quitting my job, running away from home, shaving my head, and joining a cult. I wound up inArizonaa month later, married to a man I barely knew. My dad had it annulled while I went away for a few weeks to “rest” in a glorified booby hatch.

(Don’t worry. As of today’s post, I am still unmarried and not bald, so I guess that’s a good sign.)  

I know the last thing my mom would want is for me to spend the rest of my life mourning her. If she were here, she’d smack me upside the head and tell me to get on with it. So, that’s what I’m doing.

I love you, Mom.

Permanent link to this article: http://www.jacquitalbot.com/2013/08/i-want-my-mother/

4 comments

Skip to comment form

  1. Earnest Harris

    Very well written.

    1. JacquiTalbot

      Thank you. I have so many stories about her that I wanted to share when she was alive, but now….

  2. MFarrell

    Sorry for your loss, Moms is a hard one to swallow. Death has always been hard for me to reconcile, but I do believe that the hardest thing about death is those of us who are left here to mourn. May peace be with you…

    1. JacquiTalbot

      Thank you. I find peace in just trying to be the person she loved by not letting grief take over my life

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <s> <strike> <strong>